moi nous deux?

I saw papa drinking his can of beer yesterday night. It was for him to sleep better at night, he said. I smiled, and he asked jokingly, "wanna try?" I told him no yesterday night, but now, I want so much to drown myself in alcohol (in the middle of the day lol?). Well, who can actually get drunk from a can of beer anyway? I want to leave a mark on my wrist. To carve myself a sign of disbelief, disappointment, fear, anger, sadness? But are these emotions meant for you, or for myself? So thoroughly disappointed this time round, but is it disappointed at myself? Is it? A large part, yes. But I'm sure that disbelief is yours to take. No doubt.

"Every hurt we have is represented by a pebble, stone, or boulder." How many pebbles, stones and boulders make up the Earth where I'm living in? You mean the world to me. And that is just how much effect you have over me. In that 8 minutes of silence, that's how much hurt I can feel, you may feel. It sucks when you're ignored by the person whose attention is the only thing you want in the world. Being ignored is one of the worst feelings, but I'm sure there's someone who's out there to give  you the attention others didn't give you. Someone, someday. In that 8 minutes, I wanted so badly to have someone to talk to, to confide in. I scrolled through my list of contacts, I texted G and just told her I'm "unhappy", who replied so kindly, it just brought me to (even more) tears, that I just couldn't tell her what was going on. Thank you, for telling me that I can text or call if I want to. I couldn't. I wanted to text WL, to text J. I couldn't. I keep saying I don't care, but I do. It hurts. I wish I can not care. I bet you'll ask xx for lunch/dinner/supper, spite me for all I care. I bothered too much. We sacrificed a lot for each other, we are both tired. 

I'm sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I'm sorry when you take long to reply, I get impatient. I'm sorry if I say things that piss you off. I'm sorry if I come off as annoying. I'm sorry if you don't wanna talk to me as much as I wanna talk to you. I'm sorry I don't have any other best friends. I'm sorry if I come off as being clingy, but it's just me missing you. But most of all, I'm sorry for being me.




Will we be alright? Is it still what it was?