Love, 749th

fights never ceased, and happiness came and went faster than normal, but then again, what is normal? every relationship has its highs and lows, but still, things got difficult. i remember giving up on myself, i remember trying to let go and failing to do so. sometimes, we weren't even talking like we used to. you weren't the person i fell in love with, and i wasn't half the girl you thought i was. i guess things have changed, and we aren't on the same page anymore. each week felt like a waste of effort when we ended a conversation in the midst of a quarrel.

i know it's always me, because deep down, i'm just looking for trouble. there's none left for me to give; i just ran out of band-aids, cause i can't bandage the damage and i can never fix a heart. perhaps, i've never actually given anything at all.

Little did you know

All my mistakes are slowly drowning me

because deep down, i'm just looking for trouble.





it's been oddly calming these days.

i'm cinnamon, cloves and fire, you're the rested cedarwood of desire

your words that night kept replaying in my mind, it's as though someone is pressing the refresh button over and over again. no, i don't want to believe how easily i said ok, and how numb the pain felt. you made me promise not to say them anymore, but it was you who eventually said it. just like us breaking apart, promises break even easier.

when my world was crumbling beneath my feet, and all i did was stand and watch it fall apart.. you came in and i had something to grab onto. it is comforting, and frightening at the same time.

but why is it that when i fall apart now, with half of me already on the ground watching from below, i have nothing to grab onto anymore? i won't let anyone or anything get that close to me anymore.




my world is thinning,

and the earth.. it's still spinning.
i am numb,
i am numb,
i don't believe anymore. 

and i'm trying to smile, and they're trying to smile

no, not yet.

the number of times i held my breath wondering if we were going to see daylight the next morning..




tonight, my heart is cold. 

i don't remember /

i don't remember feeling so empty. it often occurs when pride and selfishness are muddled together, it creeps up to you heart and makes you feel like an outline that's empty in the middle. it's not the feeling of completeness i so needed, but the feeling of not being empty. what's the point? not every girl's "frequent" is the same. 

we all heard the warnings, and we've ignored them. we push our luck. we roll the dice. it's human nature. when we're told not to touch something, we usually do even if we know better. maybe because, deep down we're just asking for trouble. what's that saying, why do i keep hitting myself with the hammer? because it feels so good when i stop. maybe our old wounds teach us something. they remind us where we've been and what we've overcome.  they teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. that's what we like to think, but that's not the way it is, is it? some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

why do people leave each other? they come to their senses and get selfish again.

forgive and forget - that's what they say. it's good advice, but it's not very practical. when someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. when someone wrongs us, we want to be right. without forgiveness, old scores are never settled. old wounds never heal, and the most we can hope for is that, one day, we'll be lucky enough to forget.

when things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it's because a little piece gets lost - the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. the whole shape has changed. things that break - they'll never really be whole again.

i go out the next day pretending nothing happened. 

they ask,

if everything's ok and i tell them

i'm just tired.

and i'm trying to smile. and they're trying to smile.

we were almost, now we are never. guard your heart, because i'm guarding mine.

it was haziest yesterday, and it was cold too.

episodes /

When things are well, I feel like holding them closely to me like the last rays of the sun on Earth. But, alas, circumstances do disappoint me and I remember how people are not medicine - you have to save yourself. 

Some days, I get particularly lucky - I get ahead of all the dark matter in my heart with the subtle hints of happiness I receive and I am safe. Some nights, I pretend I'm dead, for all the hurt I've inflicted on the people who are trying and still not giving up on me. Many times, I forget that I do not own the reality people see and I cannot control what happens tomorrow. 

It gets funny, knowing so little and wanting so much. I want that dawn which comes even after the darkest of dusk. I want to constantly remind myself, that even when I find myself alone, all I have to do is to turn my face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind me. 

Behind me, there you'll stand.




Tonight is yet another episode.

growing up /

So, last Saturday saw me going to my secondary school friend's and JC schoolmate/ex-colleague's convocation. Luckily they are both in the same uni so I don't have to make an extra trip (haha). What a coincidence eh? That my two friends happened to be in the same school, what a small world!

Shared two bouquets of sunflowers with my other friends who went to their convo too. I was the one who went to buy the sunflower bouquets, and to be "fair", got the both of them each a stalk of sunflower wrapped up nicely^^ It wasn't as cheap as what I expected, but still ok, cause at least, the sunflowers were wrapped up nicely.

Me and YY, another one of my sec sch classmate! Check out my fat legs-.-

Me and Mak! :D

Congrats Mak!~ Looking back, I can't believe how childish I was wayyy back in SNGS.. Me and YY actually ganged up, ostracised Mak, and "secretly" threw her History textbook in the dustbin during recess (Sec 1). YY even brought those plastic gloves for us to use when we threw her textbook away, cause we were scared to leave our fingerprints on the book -.- So, many years passed, we graduated from St. Nicks, forgot how we became friends again (HAHA, we sort of fell out???), and we kept in contact for the last 9 years? Wow. During one of our first few outings, me and YY found out that Mak actually suspected and knew we threw her textbook away, and was contemplating to tell our form teacher, but she had no evidence hahaha. Oh manz, missing all those good times in St. Nicks right now, how I wish we could go back to the past.. 

Anyways, I digressed. Congrats Mak (and Noon, not featured here oops)! Hope we'll celebrate our tenth year together next year! :)