Salvation

Salvation

noun
preservation or deliverance from harm, ruin, or loss.

I have to start by saying that these few days have been getting better. In fact, they have been nothing short of amazing. I took a few steps back, and I fell back in love with the boy who shook my world. It was that easy, but it is still very frightening. A relationship is work and it changes, and you have to go with the changes. It's more good times than bad times, but it's not always good. You have to overcome these issues and move on. 

It's true, we are nothing near perfect, and we don't see eye to eye when dealing with certain issues. But there are more good times than bad. When I go to bed at 4.00am, he is the last person I hear from. I go to sleep, knowing that I am not so alone anymore. 

It's true, it'll always be / all that you are is all that I'll ever need.

This time, I didn't choose to be alone in suicide for all time.

Love, 749th

fights never ceased, and happiness came and went faster than normal, but then again, what is normal? every relationship has its highs and lows, but still, things got difficult. i remember giving up on myself, i remember trying to let go and failing to do so. sometimes, we weren't even talking like we used to. you weren't the person i fell in love with, and i wasn't half the girl you thought i was. i guess things have changed, and we aren't on the same page anymore. each week felt like a waste of effort when we ended a conversation in the midst of a quarrel.

i know it's always me, because deep down, i'm just looking for trouble. there's none left for me to give; i just ran out of band-aids, cause i can't bandage the damage and i can never fix a heart. perhaps, i've never actually given anything at all.

Little did you know

All my mistakes are slowly drowning me

because deep down, i'm just looking for trouble.





it's been oddly calming these days.

i'm cinnamon, cloves and fire, you're the rested cedarwood of desire

your words that night kept replaying in my mind, it's as though someone is pressing the refresh button over and over again. no, i don't want to believe how easily i said ok, and how numb the pain felt. you made me promise not to say them anymore, but it was you who eventually said it. just like us breaking apart, promises break even easier.

when my world was crumbling beneath my feet, and all i did was stand and watch it fall apart.. you came in and i had something to grab onto. it is comforting, and frightening at the same time.

but why is it that when i fall apart now, with half of me already on the ground watching from below, i have nothing to grab onto anymore? i won't let anyone or anything get that close to me anymore.




my world is thinning,

and the earth.. it's still spinning.
i am numb,
i am numb,
i don't believe anymore. 

and i'm trying to smile, and they're trying to smile

no, not yet.

the number of times i held my breath wondering if we were going to see daylight the next morning..




tonight, my heart is cold. 

i don't remember /

i don't remember feeling so empty. it often occurs when pride and selfishness are muddled together, it creeps up to you heart and makes you feel like an outline that's empty in the middle. it's not the feeling of completeness i so needed, but the feeling of not being empty. what's the point? not every girl's "frequent" is the same. 

we all heard the warnings, and we've ignored them. we push our luck. we roll the dice. it's human nature. when we're told not to touch something, we usually do even if we know better. maybe because, deep down we're just asking for trouble. what's that saying, why do i keep hitting myself with the hammer? because it feels so good when i stop. maybe our old wounds teach us something. they remind us where we've been and what we've overcome.  they teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. that's what we like to think, but that's not the way it is, is it? some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

why do people leave each other? they come to their senses and get selfish again.

forgive and forget - that's what they say. it's good advice, but it's not very practical. when someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. when someone wrongs us, we want to be right. without forgiveness, old scores are never settled. old wounds never heal, and the most we can hope for is that, one day, we'll be lucky enough to forget.

when things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it's because a little piece gets lost - the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. the whole shape has changed. things that break - they'll never really be whole again.

i go out the next day pretending nothing happened. 

they ask,

if everything's ok and i tell them

i'm just tired.

and i'm trying to smile. and they're trying to smile.

we were almost, now we are never. guard your heart, because i'm guarding mine.

it was haziest yesterday, and it was cold too.

episodes /

When things are well, I feel like holding them closely to me like the last rays of the sun on Earth. But, alas, circumstances do disappoint me and I remember how people are not medicine - you have to save yourself. 

Some days, I get particularly lucky - I get ahead of all the dark matter in my heart with the subtle hints of happiness I receive and I am safe. Some nights, I pretend I'm dead, for all the hurt I've inflicted on the people who are trying and still not giving up on me. Many times, I forget that I do not own the reality people see and I cannot control what happens tomorrow. 

It gets funny, knowing so little and wanting so much. I want that dawn which comes even after the darkest of dusk. I want to constantly remind myself, that even when I find myself alone, all I have to do is to turn my face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind me. 

Behind me, there you'll stand.




Tonight is yet another episode.

growing up /

So, last Saturday saw me going to my secondary school friend's and JC schoolmate/ex-colleague's convocation. Luckily they are both in the same uni so I don't have to make an extra trip (haha). What a coincidence eh? That my two friends happened to be in the same school, what a small world!

Shared two bouquets of sunflowers with my other friends who went to their convo too. I was the one who went to buy the sunflower bouquets, and to be "fair", got the both of them each a stalk of sunflower wrapped up nicely^^ It wasn't as cheap as what I expected, but still ok, cause at least, the sunflowers were wrapped up nicely.

Me and YY, another one of my sec sch classmate! Check out my fat legs-.-

Me and Mak! :D

Congrats Mak!~ Looking back, I can't believe how childish I was wayyy back in SNGS.. Me and YY actually ganged up, ostracised Mak, and "secretly" threw her History textbook in the dustbin during recess (Sec 1). YY even brought those plastic gloves for us to use when we threw her textbook away, cause we were scared to leave our fingerprints on the book -.- So, many years passed, we graduated from St. Nicks, forgot how we became friends again (HAHA, we sort of fell out???), and we kept in contact for the last 9 years? Wow. During one of our first few outings, me and YY found out that Mak actually suspected and knew we threw her textbook away, and was contemplating to tell our form teacher, but she had no evidence hahaha. Oh manz, missing all those good times in St. Nicks right now, how I wish we could go back to the past.. 

Anyways, I digressed. Congrats Mak (and Noon, not featured here oops)! Hope we'll celebrate our tenth year together next year! :)

saturday /

Two weeks of school down..

So today, my family went to Penang Seafood Restaurant for zi char to celebrate gor gor's birthday dinner in one of the simplest ways possible.  Food there was like, totally mouth-watering. Us siblings particularly favour the salted egg chicken there! I've grown to dislike chicken (pork lover), but this salted egg dish was da bombz! We ordered five dishes - asam curry fish, pig trotters, salted egg chicken, Thai style tofu and samba kang kong - and we finished almost everything except the kang kong!

Salted egg goodness~ 

Not only was the food yummy, the price was really affordable! All those for about $100+! The servings were really large too!!! I ate sooo much such that my stomach feels tight now. :( I only took one photo of our food cause after the first dish (salted egg chicken) came, I was busy stuffing my fat face with yumz yumz!

Prior to the dinner, me and my sister were walking around Nex and ummm.. we just couldn't resist getting fat fat! :D Had to resist getting my faves - Green tea and cotton candy, and tried something different!

"The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you'll see their flaws. That's how the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don't last. 

You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they're out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness sake. Love is something different. 

Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship."

Now, tell me, are you game?

in every sense / i'm happy

Des

Thank you for the best and the worst times thus far. Attending your convocation made me feel very happy for us because we've passed yet another milestone together. I'm glad to be part of those two important days, when you officially move on to the next phase of your life - post grad (studying somemore lol). I'm more than amazed to see your passion in research studies and super amused when you try to explain engineering terms in laymen terms for me. 

So, here's to us passing more milestones together, here's to us seeing each other through the worsts, here's to us having more good and better days, and here's to us staying together. You have no obligations, and you really never needed and don't need to see all the bad sides of me but thank you for still being here. 

I learn that you don't get to choose how things turn out in your life. I have been predicting, anticipating and planning a large part of my life, such that I don't know how to carry on when things don't go my way. I don't know what's in store for me or us, but in every sense, I'm happy.

I'm happy. 

When we leave the world behind us and all I see is you, that could be all I'll ever need.

Mornings /

Went for my very FIRST morning jog in my entire life a few days back on Tuesday. Slept for like 5 hours (?) then got up at 5.30am and I was out of my house at 5.45am! :D I felt super proud of myself although it may be no biggie for others. Trying to lose my tummy fats! But alas, I didn't go for a morning jog the next day cause I was really tired. :( But I went on Thursday night and today morning as well! Didn't actually jog, was walking A LOT. Stamina dropped pretty badly - from lousy stamina to no stamina. :(

Well, at least I managed to take some photos on Tuesday!

It was sooo dark when I started jogging!

Then it started to brighten!~

Pretty colours~

Instagram tree which umm, broke into two? I don't know how the sky changed colour within a few seconds! I swear the two photos of the Instagram trees were taken within seconds from each other!

Greens and blues~

Walk away,

then come back.

All's well that ends well.

moi nous deux?

I saw papa drinking his can of beer yesterday night. It was for him to sleep better at night, he said. I smiled, and he asked jokingly, "wanna try?" I told him no yesterday night, but now, I want so much to drown myself in alcohol (in the middle of the day lol?). Well, who can actually get drunk from a can of beer anyway? I want to leave a mark on my wrist. To carve myself a sign of disbelief, disappointment, fear, anger, sadness? But are these emotions meant for you, or for myself? So thoroughly disappointed this time round, but is it disappointed at myself? Is it? A large part, yes. But I'm sure that disbelief is yours to take. No doubt.

"Every hurt we have is represented by a pebble, stone, or boulder." How many pebbles, stones and boulders make up the Earth where I'm living in? You mean the world to me. And that is just how much effect you have over me. In that 8 minutes of silence, that's how much hurt I can feel, you may feel. It sucks when you're ignored by the person whose attention is the only thing you want in the world. Being ignored is one of the worst feelings, but I'm sure there's someone who's out there to give  you the attention others didn't give you. Someone, someday. In that 8 minutes, I wanted so badly to have someone to talk to, to confide in. I scrolled through my list of contacts, I texted G and just told her I'm "unhappy", who replied so kindly, it just brought me to (even more) tears, that I just couldn't tell her what was going on. Thank you, for telling me that I can text or call if I want to. I couldn't. I wanted to text WL, to text J. I couldn't. I keep saying I don't care, but I do. It hurts. I wish I can not care. I bet you'll ask xx for lunch/dinner/supper, spite me for all I care. I bothered too much. We sacrificed a lot for each other, we are both tired. 

I'm sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I'm sorry when you take long to reply, I get impatient. I'm sorry if I say things that piss you off. I'm sorry if I come off as annoying. I'm sorry if you don't wanna talk to me as much as I wanna talk to you. I'm sorry I don't have any other best friends. I'm sorry if I come off as being clingy, but it's just me missing you. But most of all, I'm sorry for being me.




Will we be alright? Is it still what it was?

E.A.T.

OH NO! I've been stuffing myself silly with food ever since holidays started! >< It's not obvious to others, but I know that I've definitely GAINED WEIGHT!!! My shorts are tighter, my tummy is undoubtedly much larger :( and my mum just told me that my romper looks tight on me and asked me to size up!!! :((( It's really very sad to suddenly gain all the weight, especially at my tummy and thighs. :( Recently, I keep eating even though I know I'm already full. What is happening??? :(

One of my fave fruits - Guava with chopped sour plum thingy (idk what it's called) 

Fruits are not fattening (i hope) but contain sugar too I guess? 

Oh dear, I really have no idea why I love toasts so, so much nowadays! Butter sugar and peanut butter?! OH NO! :(

4 Fingers!~ Had these wings for lunch one day which Desmond kindly treated me cause I was, no, I am broke. :'( Sooo good! But super duper fattening :'( Uh oh.

Went to Chock Full of Beans at Changi Village on Friday for brunch too.

Food was pretty good, ambience was alright and staff were friendly too! ^^

Super cute 3D latte art! <3

Ta-dah~ Econs buddy Geraldine^^

On the other hand, work has FINALLY ENDED! YAY! I met really weird and annoying people while working, but at least there were a few good colleagues there too. :) I'm also quite fortunate that this summer job can be quite slack (most of the times, especially towards the end), but it can be really stressful too. Sometimes, I feel like this is a sucky job because I have to take in all the nonsensical stuffs callers have towards the government. LIKE I CAN SOLVE THEM FOR YOU?! But at the end of the day, I'm actually pretty grateful to have a colleague who's there to hear all my rants and my occasional vulgarities (haha) and laugh it off with me. :) 

Well, I do have a few grumbles about this job and my supervisor as well. 

Firstly, we weren't told that we were not allowed to go toilet together. Secondly, I wanna clarify that it was really coincidental that we wanted to pee at the same time. 

Thirdly, Shirley didn't faint haha. 

And also, once, I had a stomachache and had to go to the toilet urgently. I logged in at 2.30pm, went toilet at 2.32pm, and came back at 2.38pm. And Shirley had to ask me where I went in the group chat.. I think 6 minutes was really, really fast enough already. I was really pissed off!

Okay, at least I've left already! I've learnt quite a bit from this job - how to stand up for myself and how to better deal with the reality trash in society today. I don't think I'll ever return again, but who knows? ;) 

Of food and more food..

Well, the photos of the cakes below say it all. :)

Headed to T1's Awfully Chocolate after work to buy the six inch all choc cake for my sister's birthday! I feel that the price was kinda exorbitant for such a teeny weeny cake - $34 before my 20% staff discount hehe^^ I was finally able to utilise my staff discount card that day! :D

 

Happy (belated) birthday to my sissy! Someone who's the complete opposite of me at time, but still similar in all sorts of ways all the time :>

Went out to Xin Wang Hong Kong Cafe at Cineleisure to celebrate my sister's birthday! Here's a wefie before our food arrived! Do we look alike?~

What I had for dinner - Toasts and iced lychee tea!!! I had been craving to eat bread for v long already! I can survive on bread all day!~ 

 Peanut butter & condensed milk thick toast! The peanut butter became gelat towards the end and I couldn't finish this. :(

French toast with ice cream!!! Super loveee bread!!! Hehe^^

My all time fave veggie - Broccoli! <3 Love home cooked meals!!! 

And also, one day I decided to attempt to make jelly! First time making something cause I'm really scared of fire and I just can't seem to go near the stove and pans. :( The container of jelly doesn't look very appealing.. :( I threw in a can of longans and poured some of the longans' syrup inside too. :D

My family actually told me that the jelly wasn't that bad for my first attempt! :D YAY~

Me and Desmond also went to this Soy Thai Kitchen at Tampines for dinner on Saturday. Both service and food weren't as good as Nakhon Kitchen's -.- One of our orders got mixed up and the replacement took about 10 minutes to arrive after the rest of the dishes were here already. By then, we had almost finished our plates of rice. :( Sad..

Sigh.. a few hours more before I wake up for my second last day of work! Can't wait, can't wait.

More often than not, I wish I were dead. But then, I get scared thinking - "What if you're not waiting on the other side?"

It's perfectly fine if you tell me what I'm doing is wrong and it's totally okay for you to correct me if I'm incorrect, but I think you should stop insisting that you're right because well, it's been verified that I was actually correct.

I've all along been very appreciative of the help you had given me so far, but I'm in a shock that you're actually such a male chauvinist pig who doubts and dismisses whatever I suggested. You may have worked here longer than I did, you may be older than me, you may be more experienced than me, but you should not effing belittle me.

Three more days of work and it's good riddance. Can't wait.

Opportunity comes knocking..

Sigh, to think that when I've actually gotten the chance to finally try what I've wanted, I'm actually facing some money issues at the moment. I'm really, really cash tight and I don't wanna rely on my parents. :(

"To know how to choose a path with heart is to learn to follow intuitive feeling. Logic can tell you superficially where a path might lead to, but it cannot judge whether your heart will be in it." - Jean Shinoda Bolen

The thing is, my heart isn't quite sure where to go at the moment. Should I or should I not? :(

Tea at Wimbly Lu - Waffles with salted caramel ice cream and maple syrup (top), rum & raisin with chocolate syrup (bottom), and iced earl grey milk tea :)

I LOVE SWEET STUFFS! :D I can totally eat desserts for lunch/dinner. Just rekindled my love for earl grey tea after this afternoon's earl grey milk tea. Realised I haven't been drinking tea for a long while cause I don't need to force myself to stay awake. I've been deprived of sleep ever since work started and i just can't wait for work to end. 7 more working days to go~

Didn't dare to eat a lot at Wimbly Lu :( cause of my family dinner later. We went to Penang Seafood Restaurant at Aljunied, some coffeeshop that sells quite affordable zi char! We ordered a total of 6 dishes and 5 drinks which totals up to $139.50 only! It'd only be about $100 if we didn't order the nasty fake shark's fin, which simply paled in comparison to the other yummy dishes. No pictures taken from dinner cause we were starving haha. Sigh, on a sad note, I've been using too much vulgarities - thinking of them whenever I'm annoyed and been using them on my boyfriend, not scolding him, but letting him see how I scold others >< I should force myself to kick this vulgar habit. 

I miss you in waves and tonight, I'm drowning. You left me fending for my life and it feels like you're the only one who can bring me back to the shore alive.

I absolutely detest planning my timetable for next sem! Level 4 mods seem super difficult and without doubt, super boring and also,  a 3-day "work" week is seemingly impossible this semester. :'( Sigh, I'm actually dreading to enter my final year this coming August.. :(

On the other hand, I really can't wait for WORK TO END on the 30th of this month!!! I've been counting down every single day, and every morning when I reach the office, I'd look forward to lunch break and after lunch break, I'd look forward to going home at 5.30pm. I don't detest my job, but somehow, this job isn't as interesting as EwF. You get at least one angry customer a day who is just pissing the hell out of you, yet you are obliged to act nice.. I seem nice on the surface but really, I just can't pretend to be nice!!! It's sooo fake and it's so not me please. Also, it's not just angry people who piss me off every now and then, i just can't stand a certain someone after knowing how weird she is. I cannot seem to lie in her face anymore haha, because lying would just be too damn obvious (sorry not sorry). Other than these two negativities (haha), the only other good thing about this job is that I get to use their computer to access the net. I'm on Facebook 8-5pm every Monday - Friday. This is how boring the job is. Plus, the other lessons I learn are that Singaporeans are super uptight about money and some rich people are just that cheapskate.. Ah well.. A little while more to freedom.

Goodnight, xx

Food

Have been eating quite a lot recently, especially after finals ended! So I'll let my photos do the talking!

Had been craving for salmon don during exams and so I ate that after exams ended! Sushi Tei's salmon don are so yumz! The slices of salmon are the largest at Tampines'! Ate at Nex's and Takashimiya's branches too, and I can tell you Tampines offer the largest slices!!!

Injeolmi bingsu! The shaved ice was superbly refined and soft, and the bingsu was full of peanut and muah chee taste, which I adore! 

Had New York cheesecake, strawberry shortcake, apple pastry and a cuppa (latte) with my sissy at Paris Baguette too! Super fattening, but we didn't feel guilty at all! 

Close up of the small and expensive cakes! The New York cheesecake was quite good, but kinda pricey for such small slices :/

I actually had Miam Miam spaghetti with my colleague during my lunch break. Sigh, what did I say about budget lunches at work??? :( 

Miam Miam's french toast on a poster caught my eye while I was walking to the food court, so I dragged my colleague who kindly agreed to have lunch with me at Miam Miam!

And, last weekend, I treated Des to dinner at Chicken Up! The above picture features their famous watermelon soju (for 2 pax) and kimchi fries. The kimchi fries tasted like pizza when they turned soggy haha.

Yang nyum chicken and soya chicken wings! 

Honestly, I thought 4 Fingers is better and definitely cheaper too! But Chicken Up's kimchi fries obviously wins 4 Fingers'!!!

I forgot what other good food I had after finals, but home cooked food is seriously still the best!~ Love (most of) my mum's cooking and I don't think I will ever learn how to cook such awesome Chinese food cause I'm pretty scared of fire.. :( sigh 

Ah well, I'm actually kinda enjoying typing this. Feels kinda therapeutic and like, I'm talking to myself, which is good cause at least, there's a space for me to vent. Gonna work till 30 June and I absolutely can't wait for work to be over and done with already!!! 

xx